@thetobbie

Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…

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@LizerReal

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

@AaronFullerton

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

@AnkCoupleTO

I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!

@MatCro

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

@mack44_d

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

@StellaGMaddox

My minivan is always rocking, but it’s usually because I’m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.

@TraylorParker

My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it’s Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she’s going to end up being. Tulsa.