My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Not today.. 😂
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.