Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…

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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines


If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.


I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!



DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI


D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget


[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.


Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’


My minivan is always rocking, but it’s usually because I’m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.


My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it’s Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she’s going to end up being. Tulsa.