Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Florida man
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.