Dudes named Chance never had one.
You Might Also Like
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*