Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active
How to annoy your children:
Me: Don’t come in here without knocking
M: Who is it?
C: It’s me!
M: Go away
HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type
ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once
Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.