@PaulyPeligroso

Dudes named Chance never had one.

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@ValeeGrrl

Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?

@WheelTod

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

@gojarbe

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

@TheAndrewNadeau

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

@ohmygrapeness

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

@SteveSuckington

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

@eedrk

spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active

@dafloydsta

How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away

@rowdyforsheriff

HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once

@thr33circles

Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.