@david8hughes
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
@PopSlapFunk
Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.
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@david8hughes
@lmegordon
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
@causticbob
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
@choo_ek
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
@captainkalvis
CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
@Cpin42
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
@KimmyMonte
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
@WilliamAder
Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I’m doing important volunteer work.
@gwatts77
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
@skitzoette
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.