Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
my sentiments exactly
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾