Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy
CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I’m doing important volunteer work.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.