@PopSlapFunk

Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.

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@david8hughes

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

@lmegordon

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

@causticbob

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

@choo_ek

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

@captainkalvis

CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU

@Cpin42

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

@KimmyMonte

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

@WilliamAder

Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I’m doing important volunteer work.

@gwatts77

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

@skitzoette

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.