Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”