Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
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In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
tell em, edith-anne
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Morning.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.