I still can’t believe someone was hungry enough to try kale.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
i hate to say it… but i kind of agree..
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon