@TheWeirdWorld

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

You Might Also Like

@good_one_rick

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

@FunkyFresh_79

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

@UncleDuke1969

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

@HoneyWooWoo

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

@ThugRaccoons

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

@erichwithach

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

@realHamOnWry

Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.

@bridger_w

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon