@PortRooster

Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…

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@Tharin_P

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

@Browtweaten

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

@SocialExtortion

fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river

@foxxy311

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

@stiggib3

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

@bobvulfov

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

@ghostkrogh

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud