There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.