@AtticusFinch79
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
@PortRooster
Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…
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@AtticusFinch79
@Ilikerockme
John Wick sounds like a mens toilet candle
@TeaAndCopy
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
@lmegordon
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
@chadchaines
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
@fro_vo
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
@iinkedZombie
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
@sofarrsogud
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
@rachelle_mandik
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
@Shesnotkiddin
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror