*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*
Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*
SG- Those aren’t your pants
Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…
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John Wick sounds like a mens toilet candle
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror