@PortRooster

Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…

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@AtticusFinch79

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

@TeaAndCopy

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

@lmegordon

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

@chadchaines

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

@fro_vo

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

@iinkedZombie

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

@sofarrsogud

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

@Shesnotkiddin

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror