Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
To me, God will always be that guy that could’ve made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, “Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS.”
“always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.