Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …


ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one


“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born


In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature


My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.


I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.


WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?


* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking


kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand