due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I’m not sorry.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?