Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake