Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
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I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel