@BuckyIsotope

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

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@markleggett

A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.

@Rollinintheseat

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

@Angibangie

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

@theDanLawler

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.