@BuckyIsotope

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

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@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@jctwritesstuff

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

@BoredomDidIt

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

@LizHackett

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

@CoachChelley

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

@Parkerlawyer

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

@MikeLonghelt

They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.

@ThatMummyLife

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.