Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

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Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!


Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT


Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.


I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”


How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?


My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”


They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.


Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.