Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.