You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
this is so top tier i cant
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
that wasn’t the question
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”