Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
the greatest twitter interaction
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
welp
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Left at a local drug store…
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife