Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?