@Peachyisk

Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

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@moooooog35

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

@stevevsninjas

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

@BoozieEyedJoe

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

@crocodilethumbs

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

@Fred_Delicious

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”

“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

@ohpegah

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S