Most guys: send noodes
Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
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I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
“a lasagne driving a car?”
I falcon love using swear birds
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S