I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Watermelon Boss!
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …