Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock