Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
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I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Spotted in New Orleans.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.