@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

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@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

@Token_Geezer

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@juanadog

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

@ramblinma

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

@krautsider

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

@papaneedscoffee

2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”

Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”

2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..

@Shen_the_Bird

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn