@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

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@junejuly12

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

@neonwario

I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”

@pilau

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

@Gupton68

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

@JasonIsbell

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

@aspiringtoucan

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

@tastefactory

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

@Steven37366100

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

@1Bad_Scientist

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.