Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.