due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

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People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.


Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding


Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*


Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more


Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets