due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m giving up for Lent.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.