My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*