“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence