@coolauntV

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

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@JustBeingEmma

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

@Jandalize

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

@TheNardvark

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

@WildeThingy

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

@thenoahkinsey

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@cupcakelynda

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here