My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”