dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes