@jwoodham

[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.

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@panku_

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

@tarashoe

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

@TheRealDudish

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Guess what?
ME: What?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!

@desi_princess

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

@StellaRtwot

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

@FattMernandez

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

@Jesssicle

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..