@jwoodham

[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.

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@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

@CulturedRuffian

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

@Home_Halfway

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?

Me: Yeah.

Cw: You would? Why?

Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.

@AlexvanBeek

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

@MensHumor

Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.

@delusions_of

This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.

@behindyourback

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

@MouthOfSass

Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard.

Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.