Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.