Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.
You Might Also Like
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
WIFE: Guess what?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..