DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?
Cw: You would? Why?
Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.
This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard.
Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin…