@jonnysun

dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like
mcgonagall: so…a magic glass ceiling
dumbledore: [starts sweating]

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@daemonic3

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

@david8hughes

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

@AsgardianRose

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

@ch000ch

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

@panmidwest

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

@lmegordon

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

@AnnietheNanny1

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

@wendchymes

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

@iwearaonesie

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

@KissabiX

Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive