Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
sry
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Actually cracking up @ this
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.