HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like
mcgonagall: so…a magic glass ceiling
dumbledore: [starts sweating]
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me: My back molar’s really sensitive
Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque
Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive