This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”