Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.