Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“That’s what” – She
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Oops
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”