am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry
hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands
dumbledore: do i look like a wizard
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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.