dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
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ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job