dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

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Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.


Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.


When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’


My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.


Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.


Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.


I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.


“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table


Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice