[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My teenage children choosing violence
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.