*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2