Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.