@PatsATweetin

[dumps water on judas]
jesus: check it out. i turned water into whine.

judas: what the hell?!

jesus: oh judas, don’t be so cross.

judas:

jesus: wut?

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@XplodingUnicorn

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

@OMGSoOverIt

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

@WeissBrandon

Cop: know y I pulled u over?
Wife: to invite me to the state trooper’s ball?
Cop: state troopers don’t have balls
Me: BAHAHA
Cop: drive safe

@JimmerThatisAll

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

@KevinFarzad

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

@Sotherans

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

@bigmacher

Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.

#IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio