@FredTaming

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

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@notseriouslyamy

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

@CoreyKeyz

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

@_salt_n_lime

Me: *uses fake avi*
Them: You must be fat and ugly.

Me: *uses real avi*
Them: That’s a filter. You must be fat and ugly.

Me: Fine. I’m fat and ugly.
Them: Omg stop! You are not.

@daemonic3

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

@FatherWithTwins

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

@bigmacher

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

@BenOni_Kenobi

If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

@Fred_Delicious

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*