[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Just a phase…