Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.