Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Not messing around