@JagAskell

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

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@TheBoydP

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

@CulturedRuffian

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

@wumother

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

@david8hughes

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

@briangaar

Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.

@crylenol

*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?

@BriarSly

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

@3sunzzz

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!