@egg_dog

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

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@Thaat_guy

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

@TheToddWilliams

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

@zdarsky

I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson

@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@ItalianBratikus

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

@DirtMcTurd

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.