@egg_dog

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

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@katebarstool

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

@WilliamAder

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

@free_mattress

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

@tweetsvisual

Arugala is my favorite vegetable that sounds like it’s drowning.

@WheelTod

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

@internetluke

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

@juskewitch

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

@markydoodoo

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes