I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: One TINY Google.
I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.