Duolingo getting serious.
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
did it work
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No