@psybermonkey

Duolingo

[1 day]
You forgot to practice

[1 week]
We miss you

[1 month]
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin

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@Bob_Heller

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

@RedRegenerated

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

@Shade510

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

@unmehlievable

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

@pleatedjeans

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

@CornOnTheGoblin

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@mdob11

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

@internetluke

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

@justabloodygame

*singing scales*
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“Hey”
Hello!
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?