Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You forgot to practice
We miss you
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin
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[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?