trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
You forgot to practice
We miss you
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin
You Might Also Like
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work
Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.