[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
ok like just. call me at this point
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
A couple who are silly together stay together.