*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

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“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.


When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.


If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.


If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions


Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap


Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?


They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.


[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”


*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky