*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
🙁
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I need to get some bricks…
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring