@AlmightyBored

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

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@bingowings14

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

@patrickmarkryan

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

@NourHadidi

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

@BigPlanetEarth

Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.

@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

@CatsVsHumanity

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

@Fact

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

@YourFavMexi_Can

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.