I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.