[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
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“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast