You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
TRIX RABBIT [finally eating a bowl of Trix cereal]: Ehh
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth