During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

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You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.


Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.


The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.


Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol



Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds


[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*



My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.


Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.


Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth