During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
When you’re here for the treats.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!