Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
#Caturday
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.