I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
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“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.