During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist