During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball


Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”


genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you


Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally


[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?


Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.


BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape