For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?
Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.
BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime
ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—
BRUCE: Bring me a cape