@TheBigBatman

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

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@FBSisnothere

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@violinbug

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

@WilliamAder

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

@Mom_Overboard

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?

@goodballs

Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.

@fordm

BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape