[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too