During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
thank god the sign was there
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.